There was a time in my life when I said yes to almost everything. Yes to serving on committees. Yes to chairing committees. Yes to tutoring students after school. Yes to leading workshops for parents who were struggling with their children's behavior. Yes to graduate school classes at night. Yes to community projects. Yes to being the person others could count on.
At the time, I thought I was being kind. I thought I was being a team player.I thought I was doing what "good" people do.
What I didn't realize was that every yes was taking a little more of my time, my energy, and my attention.
All of this was happening while I was teaching full-time, being a wife, and managing the ordinary responsibilities of everyday life: Laundry. Meal preparation. Grocery shopping.Paying bills. The countless details that quietly fill our days.
The more I said yes, the more opportunities seemed to appear. Living in a small rural community, I had developed a reputation as someone who got things done.
People began reaching out. Would I help with this project? Could I lead that event? Would I take on one more responsibility? It seemed my answer was always yes.
Looking back, I can see that my intentions were good. But I can also see something else.Many of those yeses were not coming from a place of kindness. They were coming from a desire to be needed. To be helpful. To be liked. To be seen as capable. To prove that I was enough.
The irony is that the harder I worked to prove my worth, the more disconnected I became from the things that mattered most. I had less time for my husband. Less time for rest. Less time for myself. Eventually, my health began to suffer. I was diagnosed with Lupus.
The pace I had created for myself was no longer sustainable.
For the first time, I couldn't do everything. And when I couldn't do everything, I began telling myself a story.
The story was not that I was doing too much. The story was not that my expectations were unrealistic. The story I created was that I wasn't good enough.
Looking back now, I can see how easily that happened. I had tied my worth to what I could accomplish, how much I could do, and how many people I could help. When I could no longer maintain that pace, I assumed something was wrong with me.
What I know today, I didn't understand then.
Being nice and being kind are not the same thing. Being nice often says yes when I mean no. Being nice avoids disappointing people. Being nice seeks approval.
Kindness is different. Kindness tells the truth. Kindness honors commitments. Kindness respects limits. Kindness recognizes that saying yes to one thing often means saying no to something else.
Every choice comes with a price.
Sometimes kindness requires courage. The courage to disappoint someone. The courage to decline an opportunity. The courage to acknowledge that we are human and have limits.Most importantly, the courage to believe that our worth is not determined by how much we do.
It is determined by who we are.
Today, I still enjoy helping people. I still enjoy contributing. I still enjoy making a difference. However, I no longer believe I have to earn my value by exhausting myself.
That lesson took me a long time to learn, and even longer to integrate into my daily practice.
Until next time,
Be Kinder Than Necessary (BKTN365™),
Jerilyn Brown
An Invitation
Notice one place in your life where you may be saying yes when your heart is quietly needing you to say no.
2 comments
I see myself also in your experience. I said yes to everything. I collected projects because I thought if I did something for someone they would see that I existed, and that my existence mattered. Not that I asked for, or wanted any big recognition, just a personal acknowledgement and honest connection of, “thank you, your existence matters and it/you helped me.”
It’s interesting to also observe that while I was satisfying others needs/projects, they didn’t value what I valued.
I valued connection, but they valued getting stuff done. The connection I sought never came.
Now when I am faced with a proposed idea/project I ask, “who am I really doing this for?”
It’s an ever-learning process.
Just like you I find myself being given more responsibilities and because I need people’s approval i find myself saying yes to everyone and everything.